“Suzanne Gelb Image”

”Sexual Attitudes, How to Reconcile?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

I like to cuddle with my husband but he doesn’t like that “touchy feely” stuff, as he calls it. He likes intercourse more than I do and complains that I am not into it like he is. I want more snuggling, he wants more intercourse, but we don’t meet each other half way with our differing approaches to sex. Suggestions?

Different

Dr. Gelb says . . .

Dear Different:

I do not consider the natural sex drive itself as something that innately differs from person to person. I believe that everyone has a sex drive and a natural hunger for the experience. Enjoying the experience, however, is a learned behavior and those who only want it their way are ignorant or quite selfish and self-centered, having no desire for the experience to be mutual.

Healthy sexual relationships include consideration about whether one’s mate is receiving pleasure from the experience. Some people who have found this type of consideration to be absent, have been pleased with their choice to seek sex therapy from a qualified professional.

”New Parents, Where Did the Sex Drive Go?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

My husband and I just had a baby. We love being new parents, but we are so busy being mom and dad that our sex life is practically non-existent. I am not sure if we have lost interest, or it is just a time factor because the baby takes up so much time, allowing us little sleep and we’re tired a lot. Is this abstinence normal with a newborn? New Parent

Dr. Gelb says . . .

Dear Parent:

The type of behavior you describe is not uncommon among new parents, and is often in my opinion, due to a misplacement of priorities regarding self-maintenance. It is not necessarily that anything is happening to the sex drive.

There are many factors that may cause parents to become less interested in the physical experience and they are too numerous to explain or share in a question and answer format. Some new parents have found counseling by a qualified professional to be helpful with learning the art of prioritizing their time so that they can share such a wonderful and needed pleasure.

”’Suzanne J. Gelb, Ph.D., J.D. authors this daily column, Dr. Gelb Says, which answers questions about daily living and behavior issues. Dr. Gelb is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Honolulu. She holds a Ph.D. in Psychology and a Ph.D. in Human Services. Dr. Gelb is also a published author of a book on Overcoming Addictions and a book on Relationships.”’

”’This column is intended for entertainment use only and is not intended for the purpose of psychological diagnosis, treatment or personalized advice. For more about the column’s purpose, see”’ “An Online Intro to Dr. Gelb Says”

”’Email your questions to mailto:DrGelbSays@hawaiireporter.com More information on Dr. Gelb’s services and related resources available at”’ https://www.DrGelbSays.com

“Suzanne Gelb Image”

”Sexual Attitudes, How to Reconcile?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

I like to cuddle with my husband but he doesn’t like that “touchy feely” stuff, as he calls it. He likes intercourse more than I do and complains that I am not into it like he is. I want more snuggling, he wants more intercourse, but we don’t meet each other half way with our differing approaches to sex. Suggestions?

Different

Dr. Gelb says . . .

Dear Different:

I do not consider the natural sex drive itself as something that innately differs from person to person. I believe that everyone has a sex drive and a natural hunger for the experience. Enjoying the experience, however, is a learned behavior and those who only want it their way are ignorant or quite selfish and self-centered, having no desire for the experience to be mutual.

Healthy sexual relationships include consideration about whether one’s mate is receiving pleasure from the experience. Some people who have found this type of consideration to be absent, have been pleased with their choice to seek sex therapy from a qualified professional.

”New Parents, Where Did the Sex Drive Go?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

My husband and I just had a baby. We love being new parents, but we are so busy being mom and dad that our sex life is practically non-existent. I am not sure if we have lost interest, or it is just a time factor because the baby takes up so much time, allowing us little sleep and we’re tired a lot. Is this abstinence normal with a newborn? New Parent

Dr. Gelb says . . .

Dear Parent:

The type of behavior you describe is not uncommon among new parents, and is often in my opinion, due to a misplacement of priorities regarding self-maintenance. It is not necessarily that anything is happening to the sex drive.

There are many factors that may cause parents to become less interested in the physical experience and they are too numerous to explain or share in a question and answer format. Some new parents have found counseling by a qualified professional to be helpful with learning the art of prioritizing their time so that they can share such a wonderful and needed pleasure.

”’Suzanne J. Gelb, Ph.D., J.D. authors this daily column, Dr. Gelb Says, which answers questions about daily living and behavior issues. Dr. Gelb is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Honolulu. She holds a Ph.D. in Psychology and a Ph.D. in Human Services. Dr. Gelb is also a published author of a book on Overcoming Addictions and a book on Relationships.”’

”’This column is intended for entertainment use only and is not intended for the purpose of psychological diagnosis, treatment or personalized advice. For more about the column’s purpose, see”’ “An Online Intro to Dr. Gelb Says”

”’Email your questions to mailto:DrGelbSays@hawaiireporter.com More information on Dr. Gelb’s services and related resources available at”’ https://www.DrGelbSays.com

“Suzanne Gelb Image”

Dear Readers:

”’Below is Part Three of the three-day series in this column adapted from my article “Understanding Hypnosis and Its Clinical Efficacy.” Part Three addresses the mechanics of self-hypnosis, when professional assistance with hypnosis may be indicated, how hypnosis has been integrated into patient care, and my personal experience with it. A reference list is included. For additional resources visit:”’ https://www.drgelbsays.com

*Self-hypnosis. For many clinicians, the goal is to teach clients self-hypnosis. This is a self-induced suggestion whereby clients implant suggestions and reprogram their subconscious. This can be accomplished in various ways. A favorite among participants in my self-hypnosis workshops takes the form of the following dialogue:

Dr. Gelb to participants: Sit or lie down in a safe, comfortable place where you will not be disturbed. Close your eyes and take some deep breaths. Then say to yourself: As of now, I’m going to change a behavior of mine;

Then I direct them to: Identify the behavior you want to change (e.g., overeating), and instruct the subconscious as to when the change will occur. For example, “

“Suzanne Gelb Image”

Dear Readers:

”’Below is Part Three of the three-day series in this column adapted from my article “Understanding Hypnosis and Its Clinical Efficacy.” Part Three addresses the mechanics of self-hypnosis, when professional assistance with hypnosis may be indicated, how hypnosis has been integrated into patient care, and my personal experience with it. A reference list is included. For additional resources visit:”’ https://www.drgelbsays.com

*Self-hypnosis. For many clinicians, the goal is to teach clients self-hypnosis. This is a self-induced suggestion whereby clients implant suggestions and reprogram their subconscious. This can be accomplished in various ways. A favorite among participants in my self-hypnosis workshops takes the form of the following dialogue:

Dr. Gelb to participants: Sit or lie down in a safe, comfortable place where you will not be disturbed. Close your eyes and take some deep breaths. Then say to yourself: As of now, I’m going to change a behavior of mine;

Then I direct them to: Identify the behavior you want to change (e.g., overeating), and instruct the subconscious as to when the change will occur. For example, “

“Suzanne Gelb Image”

Dear Readers:

”’Continuing with Part Two of the three-day series in this column adapted from my article “Understanding Hypnosis and Its Clinical Efficacy,” today’s segment addresses the relationship between hypnosis and behavior change, whether hypnosis can work for everyone, and research data on the effectiveness of hypnosis.”’

“Behavior change. Many people have difficulty substituting new behaviors for existing habits. This is because the new behavior often conflicts with a person’s frame of reference, which is embedded in the subconscious. The subconscious sends a message to the conscious mind: ‘That’s wrong, that’s not what we do.’ Because the conscious mind uses this subconscious reference as its guide, it heeds the message and overrides attempts at change.

“Change is facilitated by subduing the conscious mind and reaching the subconscious to instill a new suggestion (an idea that is presented to the mind to be carried out either immediately or at a future date). The hypnotherapist appeals to the conscious mind to rest and take no immediate responsibility. This tends to inactivate the conscious mind, preventing it from disputing the suggestion (this is similar to a spell-check feature of a software program — if it is turned off, it does not function). The subconscious records the new information and acts upon it.

“Assessment. ‘Can hypnosis work for everyone?’ is a question asked by many. Those who choose to be receptive usually are, if appropriate conditions are arranged, such as a safe, comfortable setting, where an appeal can be made to the personality that it is worthy of change. Because people respond to hypnosis differently, application of a susceptibility test is useful. This allows the clinician to unobtrusively assess susceptibility, and derive feedback that can be used to individualize treatment.

“In addition, when clients experience positive results from these tests, the conscious mind tends to be more cooperative. Based on his research published in the American Journal of Clinical Hypnosis (Vol. 37, No. 4, 284-293, 1995) Ronald Pekala, Ph.D., concludes that the application of a hypnotic assessment procedure can be helpful in the private practice setting. He also notes that ‘… it seems that most therapists do not complete an assessment of hypnotizability level’ (p. 284). Because of the importance of tailoring treatment to individual needs, it is recommended that susceptibility tests be used in clinical settings.

“Research. Studies show that hypnosis has been used to effectively treat a variety of disorders including phobias, anxieties, addictions, and pain. ‘It’s an excellent way to mobilize a patient’s resources to alter physical sensations, moderate stress reactions and other psychiatric symptoms, and enhance emotional sensitivity’ says David Spiegel, M.D., Professor and Associate Chair of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences at Stanford University School of Medicine (The Harvard Mental Health Letter, September 1998, p. 5). According to Edward Frischholz, Ph.D., President of the APA’s Division 30 (Psychological Hypnosis) ‘research shows … that smoking-cessation treatments using hypnosis are twice as effective as treatment without hypnosis, and patients require much less pain medication during invasive medical procedures when using self-hypnosis’ (APA Monitor, May 1998, p. 22).”

“Suzanne Gelb Image”

Dear Readers:

”’Continuing with Part Two of the three-day series in this column adapted from my article “Understanding Hypnosis and Its Clinical Efficacy,” today’s segment addresses the relationship between hypnosis and behavior change, whether hypnosis can work for everyone, and research data on the effectiveness of hypnosis.”’

“Behavior change. Many people have difficulty substituting new behaviors for existing habits. This is because the new behavior often conflicts with a person’s frame of reference, which is embedded in the subconscious. The subconscious sends a message to the conscious mind: ‘That’s wrong, that’s not what we do.’ Because the conscious mind uses this subconscious reference as its guide, it heeds the message and overrides attempts at change.

“Change is facilitated by subduing the conscious mind and reaching the subconscious to instill a new suggestion (an idea that is presented to the mind to be carried out either immediately or at a future date). The hypnotherapist appeals to the conscious mind to rest and take no immediate responsibility. This tends to inactivate the conscious mind, preventing it from disputing the suggestion (this is similar to a spell-check feature of a software program — if it is turned off, it does not function). The subconscious records the new information and acts upon it.

“Assessment. ‘Can hypnosis work for everyone?’ is a question asked by many. Those who choose to be receptive usually are, if appropriate conditions are arranged, such as a safe, comfortable setting, where an appeal can be made to the personality that it is worthy of change. Because people respond to hypnosis differently, application of a susceptibility test is useful. This allows the clinician to unobtrusively assess susceptibility, and derive feedback that can be used to individualize treatment.

“In addition, when clients experience positive results from these tests, the conscious mind tends to be more cooperative. Based on his research published in the American Journal of Clinical Hypnosis (Vol. 37, No. 4, 284-293, 1995) Ronald Pekala, Ph.D., concludes that the application of a hypnotic assessment procedure can be helpful in the private practice setting. He also notes that ‘… it seems that most therapists do not complete an assessment of hypnotizability level’ (p. 284). Because of the importance of tailoring treatment to individual needs, it is recommended that susceptibility tests be used in clinical settings.

“Research. Studies show that hypnosis has been used to effectively treat a variety of disorders including phobias, anxieties, addictions, and pain. ‘It’s an excellent way to mobilize a patient’s resources to alter physical sensations, moderate stress reactions and other psychiatric symptoms, and enhance emotional sensitivity’ says David Spiegel, M.D., Professor and Associate Chair of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences at Stanford University School of Medicine (The Harvard Mental Health Letter, September 1998, p. 5). According to Edward Frischholz, Ph.D., President of the APA’s Division 30 (Psychological Hypnosis) ‘research shows … that smoking-cessation treatments using hypnosis are twice as effective as treatment without hypnosis, and patients require much less pain medication during invasive medical procedures when using self-hypnosis’ (APA Monitor, May 1998, p. 22).”

“Suzanne Gelb Image”

Dear Readers:

”’Despite much apparent skepticism about hypnosis, when properly utilized hypnosis can be a powerful resource. Over the next three days I would like to share with you an article I wrote several years ago on hypnosis. Titled “Understanding Hypnosis and Its Clinical Efficacy” the article attempts to eliminate some of the stigma about hypnosis. Part One below addresses questions that have been posed about hypnosis, definitions of hypnosis and hypnotherapy, and some of the mechanics of hypnosis.”’

“Many Americans are skeptical about hypnosis even though it is endorsed by the American Psychological Association (APA), the American Medical Association, the American Psychiatric Association and the American Dental Association as a legitimate treatment method, and it is well represented in the scientific literature. This article addresses facts and myths about hypnosis and discusses its clinical efficacy. It is my hope that clinicians and educators will find this information useful to eliminate the stigma that has prevented many from benefiting from this powerful resource.

“During the past 12 years that I have been practicing hypnotherapy, clients, colleagues, and allied professionals have asked certain recurring questions of me. These include:

*What is hypnosis?

*How does hypnosis work?

*Can hypnosis resolve habit problems?

*Does research support the efficacy of hypnosis?

*Does hypnosis work for everyone?

“Hypnosis and Hyponotherapy defined. Merriam-Webster (1994) defines hypnosis as ‘a state that resembles sleep but is induced by a person whose suggestions are readily accepted by the subject.’ Hypnotherapy is defined as ‘psychotherapy that facilitates suggestion, reeducation, or analysis by means of hypnosis.’ It is important to clarify that psychotherapy is the discipline, and hypnotherapy is the modality by which therapeutic results are achieved.

“Hypnotherapist defined. According to the U.S. Department of Labor’s Dictionary of Occupational Titles (1991), a hypnotherapist ‘induces hypnotic state in client to increase motivation or alter behavior patterns. Consults with client to determine nature of problem. Prepares client to enter hypnotic state by explaining how hypnosis works and what client will experience. Tests subject to determine degree of physical and emotional suggestibility. Induces hypnotic state in client, using individualized methods and techniques of hypnosis based on interpretation of test results and analysis of client’s problem. May train client in self-hypnosis conditioning’ p. 70.

“Mechanics of hypnosis. Based on research and clinical application, I have found that an effective way to explain hypnosis is to review the workings of the conscious and subconscious mind. The conscious mind is the rational aspect of the mind, and is responsible for sanctioning behavior. It will not allow a person to adopt a new behavior unless it is consistent with that person’s frame of reference (i.e., attitudes accumulated from birth through adulthood). For example, the conscious mind will not sanction somebody biting an onion and eating it as if it were an apple. With hypnosis however, the conscious mind can be subdued, thereby rendering the subconscious amenable to the suggestion that ‘the onion is really an apple.’ The subconscious registers this suggestion and accepts the apple concept as the dominant message. The initial reality of the onion is subordinated as a less significant memory, and the subconscious is reeducated. Utilizing hypnosis, the conscious mind, which is essentially a gatekeeper, is by-passed, providing access to the subconscious, which functions as a dependable workhorse that obeys instructions.”

“Suzanne Gelb Image”

Dear Readers:

”’Despite much apparent skepticism about hypnosis, when properly utilized hypnosis can be a powerful resource. Over the next three days I would like to share with you an article I wrote several years ago on hypnosis. Titled “Understanding Hypnosis and Its Clinical Efficacy” the article attempts to eliminate some of the stigma about hypnosis. Part One below addresses questions that have been posed about hypnosis, definitions of hypnosis and hypnotherapy, and some of the mechanics of hypnosis.”’

“Many Americans are skeptical about hypnosis even though it is endorsed by the American Psychological Association (APA), the American Medical Association, the American Psychiatric Association and the American Dental Association as a legitimate treatment method, and it is well represented in the scientific literature. This article addresses facts and myths about hypnosis and discusses its clinical efficacy. It is my hope that clinicians and educators will find this information useful to eliminate the stigma that has prevented many from benefiting from this powerful resource.

“During the past 12 years that I have been practicing hypnotherapy, clients, colleagues, and allied professionals have asked certain recurring questions of me. These include:

*What is hypnosis?

*How does hypnosis work?

*Can hypnosis resolve habit problems?

*Does research support the efficacy of hypnosis?

*Does hypnosis work for everyone?

“Hypnosis and Hyponotherapy defined. Merriam-Webster (1994) defines hypnosis as ‘a state that resembles sleep but is induced by a person whose suggestions are readily accepted by the subject.’ Hypnotherapy is defined as ‘psychotherapy that facilitates suggestion, reeducation, or analysis by means of hypnosis.’ It is important to clarify that psychotherapy is the discipline, and hypnotherapy is the modality by which therapeutic results are achieved.

“Hypnotherapist defined. According to the U.S. Department of Labor’s Dictionary of Occupational Titles (1991), a hypnotherapist ‘induces hypnotic state in client to increase motivation or alter behavior patterns. Consults with client to determine nature of problem. Prepares client to enter hypnotic state by explaining how hypnosis works and what client will experience. Tests subject to determine degree of physical and emotional suggestibility. Induces hypnotic state in client, using individualized methods and techniques of hypnosis based on interpretation of test results and analysis of client’s problem. May train client in self-hypnosis conditioning’ p. 70.

“Mechanics of hypnosis. Based on research and clinical application, I have found that an effective way to explain hypnosis is to review the workings of the conscious and subconscious mind. The conscious mind is the rational aspect of the mind, and is responsible for sanctioning behavior. It will not allow a person to adopt a new behavior unless it is consistent with that person’s frame of reference (i.e., attitudes accumulated from birth through adulthood). For example, the conscious mind will not sanction somebody biting an onion and eating it as if it were an apple. With hypnosis however, the conscious mind can be subdued, thereby rendering the subconscious amenable to the suggestion that ‘the onion is really an apple.’ The subconscious registers this suggestion and accepts the apple concept as the dominant message. The initial reality of the onion is subordinated as a less significant memory, and the subconscious is reeducated. Utilizing hypnosis, the conscious mind, which is essentially a gatekeeper, is by-passed, providing access to the subconscious, which functions as a dependable workhorse that obeys instructions.”

“Suzanne Gelb Image”

”College Major, What to Pick?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

I read your column yesterday on helping kids with career choices. Thanks. My difficulty is how to guide my son to pick a major when he enters college this fall. He enjoys literature, good foreign films, and theater, but nothing grabs him to study as a major. His high school guidance counselor suggested majoring in what he enjoys, but I worry that “fun interests” may not lead to a positive career. How do I guide him?

Guessing

Dr. Gelb says . . .

Dear Guessing:

To reiterate my response in yesterday’s column, in my opinion children should be exposed at a young age to areas of study that can ultimately lead to earning a good living.

With that in mind, it may be a little late to counsel a directionless high school graduate, but it is not too late for such an individual to find his direction. A good college counselor could be useful and let’s hope that your son studies hard and that his undergraduate experiences will give him some idea of what to do for a career.

I recall a relevant part of an article on this topic in the Notre Dame Magazine, Winter 1986-87, where author James Burtchaell, C.S.C. writes that “More than two out of every three undergraduates at this University change majors between the time they are accepted and the time they graduate. A good number change two or three times. Any decision that has so many students second-guessing must be tricky and it is [can be].”

”Spitting, What to Do About It?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

I have been dating a guy for a few months and we like each other. Here’s the problem: when we are out in public, say crossing the street, he spits on the ground to clear his throat and it grosses me out. I don’t think it’s right to correct another adult’s behavior, but it bothers me. Suggestions?

Grossed out

Dr. Gelb says . . .

Dear Grossed out:

Wow, if this guy spits on the sidewalk and has no consideration for your presence or for others who use the sidewalk and may step in it, I can only imagine what his manners are like in a restaurant or at home. I find myself wondering why someone would date a person who demonstrates such a lack of manners or consideration for others.

Would you believe that in a recent Oklahoma case a man received a life imprisonment term for spitting on a police officer? For more information, visit https://www.news-star.com/stories/051803/New_57.shtml

”’Suzanne J. Gelb, Ph.D., J.D. authors this daily column, Dr. Gelb Says, which answers questions about daily living and behavior issues. Dr. Gelb is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Honolulu. She holds a Ph.D. in Psychology and a Ph.D. in Human Services. Dr. Gelb is also a published author of a book on Overcoming Addictions and a book on Relationships.”’

”’This column is intended for entertainment use only and is not intended for the purpose of psychological diagnosis, treatment or personalized advice. For more about the column’s purpose, see”’ “An Online Intro to Dr. Gelb Says”

”’Email your questions to mailto:DrGelbSays@hawaiireporter.com More information on Dr. Gelb’s services and related resources available at”’ https://www.DrGelbSays.com

“Suzanne Gelb Image”

”College Major, What to Pick?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

I read your column yesterday on helping kids with career choices. Thanks. My difficulty is how to guide my son to pick a major when he enters college this fall. He enjoys literature, good foreign films, and theater, but nothing grabs him to study as a major. His high school guidance counselor suggested majoring in what he enjoys, but I worry that “fun interests” may not lead to a positive career. How do I guide him?

Guessing

Dr. Gelb says . . .

Dear Guessing:

To reiterate my response in yesterday’s column, in my opinion children should be exposed at a young age to areas of study that can ultimately lead to earning a good living.

With that in mind, it may be a little late to counsel a directionless high school graduate, but it is not too late for such an individual to find his direction. A good college counselor could be useful and let’s hope that your son studies hard and that his undergraduate experiences will give him some idea of what to do for a career.

I recall a relevant part of an article on this topic in the Notre Dame Magazine, Winter 1986-87, where author James Burtchaell, C.S.C. writes that “More than two out of every three undergraduates at this University change majors between the time they are accepted and the time they graduate. A good number change two or three times. Any decision that has so many students second-guessing must be tricky and it is [can be].”

”Spitting, What to Do About It?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

I have been dating a guy for a few months and we like each other. Here’s the problem: when we are out in public, say crossing the street, he spits on the ground to clear his throat and it grosses me out. I don’t think it’s right to correct another adult’s behavior, but it bothers me. Suggestions?

Grossed out

Dr. Gelb says . . .

Dear Grossed out:

Wow, if this guy spits on the sidewalk and has no consideration for your presence or for others who use the sidewalk and may step in it, I can only imagine what his manners are like in a restaurant or at home. I find myself wondering why someone would date a person who demonstrates such a lack of manners or consideration for others.

Would you believe that in a recent Oklahoma case a man received a life imprisonment term for spitting on a police officer? For more information, visit https://www.news-star.com/stories/051803/New_57.shtml

”’Suzanne J. Gelb, Ph.D., J.D. authors this daily column, Dr. Gelb Says, which answers questions about daily living and behavior issues. Dr. Gelb is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Honolulu. She holds a Ph.D. in Psychology and a Ph.D. in Human Services. Dr. Gelb is also a published author of a book on Overcoming Addictions and a book on Relationships.”’

”’This column is intended for entertainment use only and is not intended for the purpose of psychological diagnosis, treatment or personalized advice. For more about the column’s purpose, see”’ “An Online Intro to Dr. Gelb Says”

”’Email your questions to mailto:DrGelbSays@hawaiireporter.com More information on Dr. Gelb’s services and related resources available at”’ https://www.DrGelbSays.com