BY CHARLES MEMMINGER – Few people know that I’m psychic. Or is it psychotic? No, it’s psychic. I see things. And not dead people. I see things in the future. But they aren’t always that clear. Peering into the future is like looking at your living room through an aquarium. You can make out the couch and TV but some of the details are a little hazy. And those damn fish keep swimming by getting in your way.
Some of my predictions for 2010 came VERY close. For instance, I predicted that there would be a massive oil boom spill off Florida. Oil booms are those long floaty things that are used to corral oil on the surface of the water. In my vision, a huge tanker filled with oil booms crashed into an oil well in the Gulf of Mexico releasing, like, 500,000 oil booms. It was a mess. They had to rush oil booms from Saudi Arabia just to corral all the spilt oil booms and keep them from washing up on the beach in Panama City. In the psychic business, that vision is rated 89 percent because was so close to what actually happened. The only thing I didn’t see was a huge oil well blowing up in the Gulf and the biggest oil spill in the history of the world. So I didn’t hit a home run but I did get to third, psychic-wise.
Another thing I predicted would happen in 2010 was that Neil Abercrombie would be elected governor of Guam. That came to me in a dream, the way visions came to Edgar Cayce, who was known as the “sleeping prophet.” Cayce not only could see into the future, he could see into the past. He would often predict what he had for lunch the day before and nailed it almost 100 percent of the time. I’d rate my Abercrombie becoming governor of Guam prediction at about 76 percent because I was right about everything except WHERE he’d become governor. Viewed through an aquarium, Hawaii and Guam look quite similar.
I’ve had several psychic visions about what will happen in 2011. They came to me when I dozed off on the couch the other day. If they come true, I probably will be dubbed the “napping prophet.”
Here are some of my predictions for the New Year.
— There will finally be peace in the Middle Eastern United States. West Virginia and Virginia will put aside their ethnic and cultural differences and become one big state called Wirginia.
— Hawaii will either become the country’s largest producer of automobiles or genetically modified geckos. It’s hazy. But right now I’m leaning toward the automobiles.
— The 24 million poor, oppressed people of North Korea, will rise up one day in February and spontaneously sing in unison either “Oklahoma!” or Monty Python’s “Look On The Bright Side of Life.” Then they’ll go back to harvesting dirt clods.
— The United Nations Committee on Global Warming will officially take the Earth’s temperature with a large thermometer inserted in a geographic orifice near Buuhoodle, Somalia and discover that, while warm, the Earth is just running a mild fever and suggest it get some bed rest and drink plenty of water. In a related vision, Al Gore will accept a position as head of British Petroleum and declare that climate change is caused by too much oil being left underground.
— Hillary Clinton will resign as Secretary of State and either prepare to run for president or open a cute little flower shop in Bellevue, Nebraska. Bill Clinton will open the country’s first “green brothel” in Nevada.
— President Obama will replace most of his Cabinet but they will unionize and go on strike after their health insurance premiums go up substantially. Obama also will appoint his wife, Michelle, “National School Lunch Tsar.” She will order that school lunches consist exclusively of bean sprouts and good intentions. She’ll also lead a delegation to North Korea to “find out how so many people in that country manage to stay so slim.”
— Sarah Palin will wrestle a wild grizzly bear on Oprah. This vision was not too clear. She either wrestles a bear or Oprah. Or the couch. Viewed through an aquarium, Oprah, a grizzly bear and a couch look sort of similar.
— Neil Abercrombie won’t – i.e. “will not” – become governor of Guam. (I know, that seems like a slam-dunk, but you never know.)