BY CHARLES MEMMINGER – Why does everyone whine about an unemployment rate just over 9 percent? Doesn’t that mean that the employment rate is at 91 percent? That’s pretty high in my book. Out of some 300 million people in the country, that’s, like, nearly 290 million people working. I’m surprised anyone can get any sleep with the racket being made by all those working people.

Of the ten million people not working, you gotta figure that at least three million of them are just lazy, two million of them are just too dumb to get a job, four million of them are drug dealers, one million are retired, a half million are drunk and – what’s that add up to so far? The point is that the unemployment situation isn’t as bad as some people claim.

There are actually a lot of opportunities out there for people wanting jobs. I scanned through the “help wanted” section of Craig’s List online and found tons of job opportunities from “Asian Foot Models” to “Female Mud Wrestlers.” I’m not even sure why an Asian Foot Model would be needed. Don’t feet pretty much look alike? Is an Asian foot that much different from a Czechoslovakian foot?

Many of the positions advertised on Craig’s List seem to be what you’d call “entry level” jobs. Female mud wrestling obviously isn’t lifetime employment. You start off mud wrestling then you move up to Jello wrestling then to chocolate wrestling and then to Certified Public Accountant.

The people who place want ads on Craig’s List are serious people. I know because all the ads end with “Serious inquiries only.” Like the guy looking to hire a tattoo artist on Maui. The job description was “Must be enthusiastic, optimistic, willing to work with tourists and locals in a positive environment. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.”

Why would the shop owner think he’d get non-serious inquiries? Do people call up and say, “I’m interested in the tattoo artist position. Is that position horizontal or vertical? Can I wear a red, rubber nose? Can you pay me in rupees?”

I thought the requirement that the tattooist be optimistic was a nice touch. Last person you want stabbing your tush with a mini-electric jack hammer is someone who is dejected or gloomy.

Some of the jobs are mysterious. Here’s the actual wording of one advertisement:  “The fresh, floral air energizes you. The warm, tranquil waters refresh you. The breathtaking, natural beauty renews you. Look around. There’s no place on earth like Hawaii. We warmly invite you to explore our islands and discover your ideal travel experience.”

Now, try to guess what the job was. Correct, it was posted by a Oahu hospital looking for a board certified neurosurgeon.  You’d think the ad would have focused more on neurosurgeony things than tranquil waters.

An equally curious ad came under various headings such as “Online Guru” and “Seeking Brainiacs.” The job?

“We are a fast growing company we need some more individuals to help us answer questions. Users can text questions, from ‘What is the weather for today?’ to ‘How can I know if a girl likes me?’ and you will answer them from your own home computer using the highly-developed research tools that you will be provided. You get paid for every question you answer. This is a serious opportunity for a serious person.”

I think I could do this job. What is the weather for today? Hold on. Uh, it’s raining. How can you know if a girl likes you? Does she punch you in the face when she sees you? No? She likes you. I’m not sure I’m serious enough for this job, though. If someone asked me something stupid like, “How do I get my dog to quit telling me to burn down my house?”  I’d be tempted to say, “Hey, man, just go with it. The dog must have a reason.”

I really liked this ad: “Female Voice Wanted.”

It was posted by a university student who emcees a midnight to 3 a.m. radio program who said “I am a MC … looking for a lady voice to co-host with me for volunteer with no pay. You do not need broadcasting experience. I do not get paid, I am a student volunteer without pay.”

Sounds like his kinda pissed off at not being paid. But he doesn’t sugar-coat the job. He doesn’t get paid so you aren’t going to get paid, Little Miss Female Voice. Then he just sounds depressed about the whole thing. “Age does not matter, but the lady has to be able to be on the fly with topics (sex and college life) and have a somewhat of an opinion.” If you are going to be a voice on the radio, you don’t want to have too much of an opinion. Just somewhat. How do you feel about troubles in the Middle East? So, so.

The next job posting I came across seemed less like a job and more like some weirdo trying to get chicks to send him naked pictures. My attorney tells me I should say I could be wrong. Here’s the ad. You decide:

“Photo Shoot:  Looking for ladies to pose in an adult magazine, Pay ranges from $700-$3,500 a photo shoot… You can send whichever kind of photo that you like. But keep in mind this is an adult Magazine, to increase your chances of acceptance you may want to send nude pics.”

Just a suggestion. But it is an ADULT MAGAZINE. Get it? I don’t want to see pics of your cat. Just you. Naked. Sans clothes. Nude-aroony. I mean, it will increase your chances. That’s all. And it wouldn’t hurt if you are on the fly with somewhat of an opinion on stuff. Just be naked.

 

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