Atomic Monkey Bites – April 1, 2011

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Governor Admits Obama Not Born In Hawaii


Today, Governor Neil Abercrombie finally admitted that President Barack Obama was not born in Hawaii. “I said I was there when he was born,” said the Governor, “But, I left out that I was in Kenya at the time.” Senate leaders are discussing the possibility of a combined impeachment and deportation hearing later in the week.

Atomic Monkey Aquires Civil Beat

In a joint news conference, Pierre Omidyar and an unidentified person in a monkey suit held a press conference to confirm the rumored take-over of Civil Beat. According to Omidyar, backers of the Atomic Monkey blog, have been making overtures for some time.

“They finally made the numbers work for me, and that’s pretty much that,” said Omidyar.

One unidentified reporter for Civil Beat expressed some concerns with the change of management and direction. “For the last three days that guy in the monkey suit has been running around the office making chimpanzee sounds, overturning desks and lighting trash cans on fire,” said the obviously distressed reporter. “I’m thinking about quiting, but it’s still better here than at the StarAdvertiser.”

Entire State Senate Resigns in Protest

With one exception the entire State Senate of Hawaii tendered their resignations today.

“We want the citizens of Hawaii to understand that their reluctance to let us take unlimited gifts is unfair and will no longer be tolerated,” said Senator Goldbrick. “We’ll see how they get along without us for a while…I’m sure they will be begging us to come back in no time,” he continued.

The lone remaining State Senator, Sam Slom said he will try to pass as many tax reduction and business de-regulation bills as humanly possible in the interim. “I can’t believe it,” exclaimed Slom, “I’m finally in the majority and just elected myself president of the Senate!”

Councilman Berg and Chief of Staff Get Into Wrestling Match

At Councilman Berg’s press conference concerning rail contracts he was repeatedly interrupted by his Chief of Staff, Eric Ryan. Ryan, the ex-manager of Stop Rail Now and John Carroll’s campaign for governor before coming to Honlulu Hale, actually brought his own lighting and backdrop for the television cameras, which he refused to share with the councilman. When questioned by reporters both Berg and Ryan would attempt to answer the question at the same time. At one point the two briefly wrestled over the microphone, knocking over a couple of chairs.

Rush Limbaugh Refuses to Lift His Boycott of Hawaii.

The City Council’s offer to officially retract its condemnation resolution of Limbaugh was once again rejected by the talk show host. Now in it’s 46th day, Limbaugh’s To Hell With Honoruru campaign  and daily calls for his listeners to cancel trips to Hawaii, continue to have a devastating effect on Hawaii’s visitor industry. Already wounded by the tsumani in Japan, the visitor count was officially down 92% from the same time last year.

“We didn’t think he’d do it,” lamented Councilman Cachola, “what are we supposed to do…beg?” He was immediately corrected by Councilman Garcia, who said they had already been doing that for the past two weeks with no effect.






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