BY CHARLES MEMMINGER – Just when you think you’ve come to grips with all the areas in life in which you are a failure (i.e. home, work, recreation, creativity, abs, guitar, breakthroughs in quantum physics, etc) along comes a new category you didn’t know existed in which you suck.

Thanks to my buddies at KHON TV, I now know I am one of the least influential people in Hawaii’s cyberworld. When it comes to influence in the online social media community, I’m just an inconsequential insect amid an electronic universe of giant movers, shakers, tweeters and Facebookers.

Linked In?

Man, I’m so linked out I’m barely a blip on the mainframe blippy counter thingy, wherever that is. In a word, I have no clout. In another word (spelled only the way computer geeks seeking to legally protect an marketable iDea would) I have no Klout.

According to Channel 2 morning anchor  Ron Mizutani’s report this week, Klout is a San Francisco company that created a computer program that rates a person’s “social influence” and “reach” on the Internet.

Through the magic of incomprehensible mathematics, it assigns everyone who uses the social media Twitter, Facebook or LinkeIn a number, like a financial credit score. The higher the number, the more “influence” you have on the web. You can look up your own Klout score at http://www.Klout.com but, if you are like me, you will just be depressed. Trust me, you have no Klout. You are a failure in yet another realm you knew nothing about until now.

The best Klout score you can get is 100 but apparently even Barrack Obama doesn’t have that much Klout. I looked up mine and my Klout number came in at 26. Yeah. 26. That number means I’ve got whatever the opposite of Klout is … Impotence? Sorry, I mean Kimpotence?

The thing is, I’m on Facebook and Twitter every day, sending out clever observations about life  (“My cat, Mac, took a pee in the toilet this morning! What a cutie! Pic attached”.) I have 1,600 followers on Twitter. How can I be Kimpotent?

I thought Mizutani looked a little smug reporting on this matter. Turns out he has a Klout rating of 39, which is pretty good for Hawaii. Mizutani interviewed social media expert Rob Bertholf who likely upped his own Klout score by launching a website that highlights Hawaii’s top Klouters.

It’s called Klokal (http://www.Klokal.com) and lists the most influential web stars in the islands. According to Bertholf, the highest Klout score in Hawaii is just 71. It belongs to “Melissa808” who lists herself as a “PR diva, blogger, writer, runner, traveler, foodie, pushy Chinee broad.” (The TV publicity must have helped her because by the time I checked out Klokal her score had gone up to 73.)

The second most influential guy (Klout Score 72) was Larry Czerwonka who describes himself as someone who is “Changing how we see the world 1 tweet @ a time with aloha and compassion. SMILE you never know who’s watching.” (Yeah, but does your cat pee in the toilet?)

I’ve lived in Hawaii most of my life, mostly as a journalist. I figure I know a lot of important people in the Islands (Ron Mizutani, for instance) but the folks populating the list of the most influential web stars were a mystery to me.

I ran down the list of top Klout scores and didn’t recognize anyone until 144th place,  “TheBuzz” columnist Erika Engle of the Honolulu Star-Advertiser. (Describes herself as “Mom, homebody. Love eating, cooking, Taiga dramas, kumihimo and beading” but says nothing in the way of pet toilet training.)

On the other hand, the Klokal list of “celebrity, media and politicians” is literally littered with people you’d recognize. Beth Chapman, wife of Bounty Hunter Dog Chapman, comes in first with score of 71. Gov. Neil Abercrombie comes in 8th with a score of 54 (tied with ukulele phenom Jake Shimabukuro). But both are beat by KHON weatherguy Justin Cruz with a score of 55.

Apparently the Klout score has nothing to do with the number of followers you have on Twitter  or how many times you cat has peed in a toilet, but how you manage your online image. If you just tweet incessantly, you merely annoy people.

The trick is to create “consistent content,” stuff you fellow social media adherents will be interested in.

Which is why I still don’t understand why my Klout score is only 26.

FCO! (For cryin’ outloud!) It’s a kitten. On the toilet. Taking a pee. THAT’s content.

(FYI … You can tweet me on Twitter at @CharleyMemm and find me on Facebook here: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1149118435)

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