God Cancels Rapture

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BY ATOMIC MONKEY – The much touted “Rapture” of faithful Christians into Heaven, set for Saturday, was canceled at the last minute, apparently due to the lack of Christians.

According to a spokesperson for God, “We got word late Saturday morning that there weren’t enough Christian faithful who qualified to make a full-blown Rapture worthwhile.” The unidentified angelic being added, “We’ll check back in a few hundred years to see if things have improved enough to warrant the time and hassle of beaming anybody up.”


Apparently the report of levitating cats seen in Kaimuki was part of a test of system.

“We always test things out a bit even if we don’t plan on a full-scale Rapture event,” said the winged spokes-being. The terrified cats ascended rapidly and disappeared above Diamond Head at 6:03 pm on Saturday and have not been seen since.

Pastor Bohnehed of the Church of the Screeching Apostles, the lead advocate for, and chief promoter of the Rapture event, was disappointed by the last-minute cancellation.

“We were kind of left holding the bag,” said pastor Bohnehed;. “We had assurances directly from The Top that this event was going to happen on time, and didn’t even get a phone call in advance of the cancellation.”

When asked about whether the parishioners, who contributed all their worldly belongings and life savings to the CSA, would get a refund, Pastor Bohnehed refused comment. He did state that he would be traveling to the Caribbean to “decompress” after the stressful week and promised to address the missing assets upon his return.