Greetings, fellow people with penises. (Those who do not possess penises may want to skip to another article, unless you’re curious.)
Some of you are new to having penises, including young people, and there are lots of things you need to know to keep your penis healthy. And in today’s sick world, it’s tough for a penis to stay healthy.
As a medical anthropologist, I study all the ways our culture makes us sick. Usually, there are taboos around certain body parts, such as the penis, which keep people from knowing the best penis practices for health. My efforts to get men straight about penises has earned me the title of Penis Whisperer by the American Council on Science and Health.
So I’m going to shoot straight from the hip, and tell it like it is about the penis. Here are some tips for optimal penis hacking.
First, let’s start at the beginning, when the boy is delivered by the stork. At that point, the penis comes equipped with a standard feature, called a foreskin. It covers the head of the penis, and helps protect that highly sensitive area. Mother Nature, or maybe God, knew when developing the human penis that it needed a foreskin.
Unfortunately, doctors playing God decided that foreskins are not really good, and are actually bad. In fact, they are considered so bad, that doctors cut it off the infant before you can say “child abuse”.
So a big tip for a healthy penis is to keep your foreskin, if you can. However, most doctors ignore the cries of babies while circumcising them.
Eventually, the boy will reach puberty. Puberty is considered the coming of age. But it is also the age of cumming. This will lead boys to spending many hours in private session with their penis, learning its ways.
Of course, the most important thing to remember when masturbating is to first wash your hands. Every diligent parent should, upon walking in on their masturbatory son, make sure he has washed his hands first. Your child will thank you. (Not really) But as the mature parent, you know the value of cleanliness. And their hands should be clean when they start.
It is also important to avoid penis lubricants that contains toxic chemicals. Fragrances and other chemicals in lotions and creams can be irritating to the skin, and are absorbed by the penis. So try using natural ingredients to wax your pole.
This relates to the next tip, which is to keep your penis clean. Don’t use soap or detergent, unless your penis is coated with axel grease or something that really needs stripping. You don’t want to dry-out your penis skin. Warm water is all you should need. And if a foreskin is still there, just pull it back and rinse.
These hygiene rules will serve the penis well once women come along. You don’t want a dirty penis when having sex, since it poses a threat to you and your partner.
Penises should also beware of vaginas and the lotions and/or creams used therein, such as spermicides. The rule of thumb is that whatever is applied to the vagina will also be applied to the penis.
Another possible problem penises may have with vaginas is the health of the women with those vaginas. A healthy penis must stay away from unhealthy spaces, and should always know the owner of the vagina.
Failure to detect vaginal threats can result in sexually transmitted diseases, which are proof that you are no longer a virgin. For some men, a moment of pleasure can mean a visit to the clinic, with the hope the disease isn’t resistant to drugs.
Other men will dodge the bullet of STDs, but get hit by the bomb of paternity. This means use a condom, or make sure the vagina is not in a fertile or infected woman.
Of course, vaginas are not the only place penises sometimes find themselves. Basically, penises are into any orifice that can accommodate them. The primary vaginal alternative is the digestive system, which is usable at either end. These are fair game from the penis’s perspective, so consumer beware.
After sex comes sleep. Most men lose their body awareness when asleep, and don’t know what is happening to their penises. Some men sleep on their backs or sides, which doesn’t really impact the penis very much. But some men sleep on their bellies, leaning on their penis all night.
No hose benefits from compression. Imagine what it must feel like for the relatively small penis to have 200 pounds of man leaning on it all night! Well, I guess some people might like that, but if you were a penis, you wouldn’t. Not typically.
Penises know they are useless if they lose their ability to freely pass urine, or sperm. If you lean on a penis long enough, say 8 hours every night of your life, then expect a flattened penis, or as doctors call it, “pancake penis”. You will also see the penis bending to the left or right, depending on where the man placed his penis while lying on it.
Speaking of compression, some men wear tight underwear, smashing their penis into their balls. This isn’t good for the penis or the balls. Tight underwear heats the sperm, too, making them lazy and reducing fertility. Never sleep in underwear, and consider going without any during the day, unless you have a leakage problem.
Over time, if you care for your penis well, it will serve you with pride. However, time takes its toll on everything in our bodies. We droop over time, giving us saggy eyes, saggy jowls, saggy neck, and, for men, saggy balls. Time also gives men a saggy penis, which is especially disconcerting when trying to use it for anything other than urinating.
Some men choose to stand up to penile sagging by using erection-causing drugs. This can make the penis do trick for hours on end. But like an old dog, doing tricks for hours can wear out the penis. The erection is maintained by blood, which can clot when pooled in the penis for hours on end. Keep in mind the penis is like a balloon, but filled with blood and not air. Too much pressure will stretch the penis to the limit, making it harder to be hard.
You just don’t want to push a penis beyond its limits. That goes for all of us.
In the end, what’s good for the penis is good for the person. If men respect their penile needs, they will be as healthy as their penis. This is why the penis points the way to health. And that’s something to stand up for.