Monkey Bites – Another Taxing Week In Hawaii

article top

Tax Deadline Deferred Three Days By Federal Furloughs

This year the federal tax deadline of April 15th will be moved to April 18th due to various government furlough programs. An IRS spokesman said, “It was just a coincidence that one of the regularly scheduled furlough days hit on the annual tax deadline.”


Gas Vending Machines Debut on Oahu

With gas prices on Oahu closing in on $9 a gallon people are buying smaller amounts on an “as needed” basis. The new “PIT STOP…the energy drink for your car” vending machines are popping up everywhere around the island. The 16 oz bottle cost $2 and will power the average car for about two miles.

The PIT STOP bottles no longer carry the state HI-5 surcharge for redeemable bottles following last month’s explosion at Reynolds Recycling site in Hawaii Kai.

City Council Warned Not to “Piss Off” the Legislature

During a debate over a new bill requesting that the State Legislature stop overcharging for the rail tax collection. Councilman Romy Cachola warned his fellow councilmen this week “Don’t piss off the legislature. They can make our life…miserable.”

“You know when somebody sticks a gun in your face and asks for your wallet…you give it to him,” said Cachola. “There no need to antagonize da buggah.”

Tea Party Rally Leads to Arrests

At Friday’s Tax Day Rally, held by Hawaii’s Tea Party and other conservative groups, Councilman Berg and his Chief of Staff, Eric Ryan were arrested for malicious mischief. The pair, dressed as Indians, dragged a large container of Shake ‘n Run sugar free ice tea mix to the front of the State Capitol and dumped it into the moat. Large numbers of Tilapia immediately succumbed to Aspartame poisoning and began floating to the surface.

Abercrombie Admits Conducting Silent Auction for Top State Jobs

After being questioned about the large number of campaign contributors now being appointed to high ranking state jobs, Governor Abercrombie admitted to reporters that there had been a silent auction for the cabinet positions and most of the commission appointments.

According to Abercrombie, “It’s perfectly logical that my campaign people would be landing in these new positions because the silent auction was set up on tables in my campaign headquarters in Ward Warehouse. It’s not like we advertised it…it was more of a social thing.”

“We had the job title and descriptions listed on cards, and if you were interested you just placed your bid (as a contribution to the campaign) on the sheet next to it,” said Governor Abercrombie. “It was a nice way to raise money and help keep everyone motivated.”

Obama Birthplace Still Questioned

Obama’s birth certificate controversy is still raging with new accusations by potential presidential contender Donald Trump.

Also, there is a pending bill in Arizona calling for proof of citizenship for presidential candidates that seems aimed directly at the president.

“What are they going to ask for next? Making it a requirement to be a citizen to vote?” asked Arizona Democratic Party organizer Jose Valdez.

Ed Case Kisses Senator Inouye’s Behind

At today’s press conference, the senior Senator briefly dropped his trousers so Ed Case could bend down and kiss his behind. It was so fast that many in attendance missed it completely, but a slow motion replay from KITV video coverage showed that it had actually occurred.

“I knew what was expected of me,” said Case. “The Senator didn’t make any specific demands, but a number of mutual acquaintances suggested that I make this gesture as a sign of party unity.”

Editor’s Note: My spell check keeps suggesting I change “Abercrombie” to “Aberrational.”