BY GLORIA GARVEY – In addition to using the new campaign slogan “Forward,” President Obama announced today that he would run as a white man. “Last time, people worried that he was not black enough. Well, we convinced them,” said David Axelrod. “This time we’re going after a different demographic, who will no doubt worry if he “is white enough.'”
Because media can be sliced so thinly these days, the Obama Is A White Guy campaign will be able to avoid communicating this message to the people who now think he is black enough. “Forward” will take a look at a future where everyone can claim they are white, because no one will actually be white.
The Obama family will be positioned as the first integrated family to run for the Presidency. Instead of television advertising, the first integrated family to run for the Presidency will have the first political reality show. The opportunities are endless. The Obamas will be shown telling their children why white and black people are different. Mrs. Obama will serve collard greens and grits, and the President will be responsible for picking up the Big Macs and Fries when she is not cooking. Mrs. Obama will have her own hoodie line and the President will have his Member’s Only jacket.
Flashbacks to Obama’s childhood will be filled with pictures of white people with tans as good as Barry’s, body surfing at Sandy Beach and hanging out at “The Chink Store,” a pre-7-11 type store popular with Punahou kids in days gone by. (For real, this is a reality show). Myriad photos will be shown, with his white grandfather Stanley Dunham and his white grandmother, Madelyn, who rose to be the first female vice president of the Bank of Hawai`i, which is Hawai`i’s whitest bank.
Flashback footage of his mother’s time living at Mercer Island (one of the white-est places in the world) prior to her family’s move to Hawai`i, where Stanley Ann (that was her name) met the black enough side of Barry, Barack Obama Senior.
Both Stanley Ann and Willard Mitt (and, come to think of it, Barack Hussein) have strange given names. A good deal of time will be spent in debating just how these names shaped their lives. Barry will muse that he was forced to run as a black man the first time: otherwise, people would think he was an Arab.
Being white will put The President on equal footing in the race game with white man from Mexico, Willard Mitt Romney. They will argue about who is whiter, both of them having gone to Harvard (Romney two times) , both of them having made a lot of money. They will talk about their vacations in Hawai`i and France. Obama will win the vacation run off, whiteys hating France the way they do. Willard will argue vehemently about calling fried potatoes “freedom fries,” their proper name.
So this November, prepare to face a run off between two white men. One will trace his heritage to Mexico, the other to Kansas. One will trace his wealth to family, the other will trace his wealth to composite girl friends and dreams of his father. Both will have gone to private schools. Both will have gone to elite Universities. The choice will be tough. They have a lot in common.
This guest editorial is filed under the humor section.