Using Farts to Communicate

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Preliminary Results of the U.S. Flatulence Study

Most people know about beans and their production of flatulence, or farts, which is referred to as “toot” in the old familiar poem:

Beans, beans, the magical fruit,

The more you eat the more you toot; 

The more you toot the better you feel,

So eat your beans with every meal.

What most people don’t realize is that this poem sparked a discovery that will revolutionize the communication field, according to Dr. Stanley O’Toole, director of the typically tight-lipped National Flatus Research Institute (NFRI).  

“I was eating some franks and beans with the kids one Saturday night. I know it was Saturday because that’s the only day I have the kids. Mikey, my youngest one, always says the “beans, beans, the magical fruit” poem before eating beans, and this time it hit me as more than just a poem,” O’Toole recalls during a press conference held over Zoom to announce the preliminary results of their groundbreaking U.S. Flatulence Study.

The NFRI was awarded a $10 million contract from the Department of Defense (DoD) to study the use of flatulence in military applications. Scientists already know that farting is a form of communication used since cave-people days, along with oral speech. Communication is not limited to voice and body language, but also includes sounds and smells from “colonic wind”. 

The question researched by the NFRI was whether this “wind” can be harnessed and used in communication, to what extend people use farting to communicate in normal life, and whether this form of communication can be better accessed and employed in various settings, including military applications.

However, according to flatus researchers, while much can be communicated through the anus, the art and science of interpreting flatulence signaling is still in its infancy. There is urgent need to further explore anal flatus management, flatus smell as it relates to signaling, and the ability to consciously use flatus signaling to secretly tell someone, for example, that you are ready to leave the party.

“People can lie with their words all day long, but farts don’t lie”, O’Toole explained. “The trick is to uncover the secret of this “Down Under” language, as we like to call it. And the good news is that we have found something very important, which is why we are releasing these preliminary findings.”

The military has been focused on exploring the use of farts as a code. For example, spies can use fart signals if under audio and/or video surveillance. Through a pre-determined code, spies can send olfactory and audio fart messages. And according to the study’s explosive preliminary results, farts do, indeed, work as an effective communication channel.

“When you really think about it, each fart has a pitch, duration, and intensity, as well as an olfactory signal. You can actually say quite a bit with a fart, if you know how,” O’Toole explained. “Farts can vary from silent to high-frequency squeaks, to my personal favorite, a baritone, tuba-like explosion. And when you put a series of farts together temporally, you create a musical message, of sorts, with overlaying olfactory notes.”

Dr. Karl Shtinker, Chief Investigator of the Fecal Study Center of the W.H.O., who was not involved in the study, sounded a cautious note. “I think they’re talking out of their asses,” he ejaculated. “Sometimes a fart is just a fart. I see no reason to look deeper into the subject.”

However, Dr. Rita Pew, fecal archeologist and founder of the Rita Pew Centre for Bottom Research, who was also not involved in this study, was more supportive. “Some archeologists and linguists have theorized for decades that the first form of interpersonal communication was through flatulence signaling. How a fart sounded and smelled would often make a pungent point about something. A picture may tell a thousand words, but a solid fart makes a lasting impression. Both are superior to speech. I hope this research continues to explore this important form of communication, which is blowing a hole in current academic thinking about farts.”

Meanwhile, the DoD is smiling about the early results from the study. Commander Uri Dabangowitz, director of Operation Fart, said that it’s time the U.S. military use this emerging, low-tech communication method, especially given the ease with which computer systems can be hacked. “We’ve become too reliant on computers. An EMP can knock out the entire electronic world. We’d lose the Internet. We may be unable to speak, or afraid to speak. But we’d still have the ability to fart. A simple “S.O.S.” farted in morse code could save lives.”

But Dr. O’Toole is cautious. “We still have some challenges ahead, especially the pressure we are feeling from up top. At first, we were blown off. But now that we’ve released our early flatus findings, the naysayers are stunned. Here is a basic form of interpersonal communication that has been right under scientists’ noses all the time, but ignored. Some in the Pentagon and Congress want to steam ahead with more flatus studies, but you really can’t rush this type of thing.”

(Author’s note: This is satire. I hope I didn’t need to tell you. We all need to laugh more.)

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