“Suzanne Gelb Image”

”Tools for Independence, How to Guide Children?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

My 15-year-old is clueless what he wants do be when he grows up. At his school they talk about this a bit, asking the kids what they think they will study in college. My son plays sports and did drama for a while but no longer wants to act. How do I guide him into things that can give him life direction so that when he grows up he will be able to make a living and not be dependent on his father and me, or the state?

Seeking Direction

Dear Direction:

I believe that it is so important to introduce children at a young age to the humanities and sciences and to encourage their interest and involvement in these areas (e.g., literature, history, math, engineering, medical fields, health sciences, law). There is nothing wrong with engaging in areas such as sports, music or painting, for example, but let’s face it, only a few make it to fame in a field such as sports. Therefore it is important to expose children to avenues of learning, which could develop into careers from which they can earn a living.

Equally important is that parents do not pick their children’s career. Rather, they merely expose them to it. As one adult said, “My parents shoved down my throat that they wanted me to be a lawyer when I grew up. So I rebelled and didn’t even go to college.” Similarly, it would be counterproductive for a parent to say to a child, “you are going to become a doctor.” Instead, the parent might say, “I am going to expose you to numerous fields from which you could earn a living, but you choose one. Here are some documentaries that I want you to watch and see what appeals to you.” Children have a tendency to be attracted to some of these sciences if they are exposed to them and if they then become involved (e.g., one high school student was inspired to become a botanist as a result of field trips he took with his class to green houses. He become fascinated and intrigued about how things grow and fortunately his parents encouraged this curiosity and his desire to explore this area of science).

Role models are another powerful influence over children and their choices. Parents, teachers, and neighbors for example should exemplify by their lifestyle, positive options that children can emulate. The power of association should not be underestimated.

Round table family discussions should also be held to address how the children are going to survive in the world when they grow up. Parents must be aware of their children’s interests and curiosities and positively direct their focus by, for example, what they talk about at the round table. Even discussions about planning family vacations can be centered on nurturing children’s interests and curiosities.

Children must be given responsibilities at home (e.g., washing dishes, mowing the lawn) so that they can learn important life skills such as being accountable, practicing self-discipline, and being a team player. They must learn to share the family responsibilities without expecting something back in return (e.g., payment, a reward). One benefit of this type of responsibility is exemplified in a statement made by a 16-year-old — “I want to become independent, I want to get out on my own and be free of depending on Mom and Dad at home.” As long as children are required to responsibly participate as part of the family, they are likely to be inspired to want to become independent.

One 16-year-old’s parents were lax with discipline and didn’t require that their son contribute to the household, until it got to the point that they had to have a serious discussion with him about the need for him to plan for the future and earnestly consider how to become more independent and responsible “When Dad and Mom are gone,” said the mother to her son, “we are not going to leave you a fortune. We have allowed your life to be very easy and as far as I’m concerned you have been spoiled. We may not be able to leave you the family business.”

So many children nowadays are given little or no responsibility for contributing to the household and family life and if they do happen to extend themselves (e.g., wash dishes), they usually expect some favor in return. Many have not been coached or prepared for adulthood (e.g., there are no round table discussions to address questions such as “what are you going to do when you leave home?; how are you going to support your family if you choose to have one?”). Nowadays it is typical for many children to take the easy way out of education. They put minimal effort into their studies, graduate from high school with poor academic skills and are ill-equipped to meet the challenges of our competitive world.

So, on this eve of July 4 when 227 years ago our great country gained its independence, it is with great sadness that I note the misdirected youth in our society and their many dependencies, be they gangs, drugs, alcohol or even welfare. I urge all parents and caregivers to apply the needed firm, fair, consistent discipline and unconditional love to equip our youth to develop into self-respecting adults and who can independently rely on their own skills and resources to contribute to our world.

Happy Birthday America.

“Suzanne Gelb Image”

”Tools for Independence, How to Guide Children?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

My 15-year-old is clueless what he wants do be when he grows up. At his school they talk about this a bit, asking the kids what they think they will study in college. My son plays sports and did drama for a while but no longer wants to act. How do I guide him into things that can give him life direction so that when he grows up he will be able to make a living and not be dependent on his father and me, or the state?

Seeking Direction

Dear Direction:

I believe that it is so important to introduce children at a young age to the humanities and sciences and to encourage their interest and involvement in these areas (e.g., literature, history, math, engineering, medical fields, health sciences, law). There is nothing wrong with engaging in areas such as sports, music or painting, for example, but let’s face it, only a few make it to fame in a field such as sports. Therefore it is important to expose children to avenues of learning, which could develop into careers from which they can earn a living.

Equally important is that parents do not pick their children’s career. Rather, they merely expose them to it. As one adult said, “My parents shoved down my throat that they wanted me to be a lawyer when I grew up. So I rebelled and didn’t even go to college.” Similarly, it would be counterproductive for a parent to say to a child, “you are going to become a doctor.” Instead, the parent might say, “I am going to expose you to numerous fields from which you could earn a living, but you choose one. Here are some documentaries that I want you to watch and see what appeals to you.” Children have a tendency to be attracted to some of these sciences if they are exposed to them and if they then become involved (e.g., one high school student was inspired to become a botanist as a result of field trips he took with his class to green houses. He become fascinated and intrigued about how things grow and fortunately his parents encouraged this curiosity and his desire to explore this area of science).

Role models are another powerful influence over children and their choices. Parents, teachers, and neighbors for example should exemplify by their lifestyle, positive options that children can emulate. The power of association should not be underestimated.

Round table family discussions should also be held to address how the children are going to survive in the world when they grow up. Parents must be aware of their children’s interests and curiosities and positively direct their focus by, for example, what they talk about at the round table. Even discussions about planning family vacations can be centered on nurturing children’s interests and curiosities.

Children must be given responsibilities at home (e.g., washing dishes, mowing the lawn) so that they can learn important life skills such as being accountable, practicing self-discipline, and being a team player. They must learn to share the family responsibilities without expecting something back in return (e.g., payment, a reward). One benefit of this type of responsibility is exemplified in a statement made by a 16-year-old — “I want to become independent, I want to get out on my own and be free of depending on Mom and Dad at home.” As long as children are required to responsibly participate as part of the family, they are likely to be inspired to want to become independent.

One 16-year-old’s parents were lax with discipline and didn’t require that their son contribute to the household, until it got to the point that they had to have a serious discussion with him about the need for him to plan for the future and earnestly consider how to become more independent and responsible “When Dad and Mom are gone,” said the mother to her son, “we are not going to leave you a fortune. We have allowed your life to be very easy and as far as I’m concerned you have been spoiled. We may not be able to leave you the family business.”

So many children nowadays are given little or no responsibility for contributing to the household and family life and if they do happen to extend themselves (e.g., wash dishes), they usually expect some favor in return. Many have not been coached or prepared for adulthood (e.g., there are no round table discussions to address questions such as “what are you going to do when you leave home?; how are you going to support your family if you choose to have one?”). Nowadays it is typical for many children to take the easy way out of education. They put minimal effort into their studies, graduate from high school with poor academic skills and are ill-equipped to meet the challenges of our competitive world.

So, on this eve of July 4 when 227 years ago our great country gained its independence, it is with great sadness that I note the misdirected youth in our society and their many dependencies, be they gangs, drugs, alcohol or even welfare. I urge all parents and caregivers to apply the needed firm, fair, consistent discipline and unconditional love to equip our youth to develop into self-respecting adults and who can independently rely on their own skills and resources to contribute to our world.

Happy Birthday America.

“Suzanne Gelb Image”

”Smoking, Is Quitting Possible?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

About a month ago I quit smoking. The hardest times are when I am having a cup of coffee or reading the paper which I used to enjoy with a cigarette, and those are my weak moments. How can I get strong at those times?

Trying to Quit

Dear Trying:

Congratulations on such a positive move. Of course, always consult one’s trusted physician regarding issues that affect the physical body. From an emotional standpoint, in my opinion, a large part of trumping an addiction is about remembering who is in charge of one’s behavior and having the confidence that “I can say no.”

A typical downfall from an emotional perspective is that sometimes people who are trying to resolve an addiction tap into their own selfishness and don’t like to feel the discomfort of withdrawal. They consider that to be punishment and rebel against what they need to do (“It felt so good to have that cigarette with my coffee, I miss it and I don’t like that feeling!”). One former smoker expressed a possible solution saying that, “When I socialize with my smoking friends, I long for one of their cigarettes, but I don’t give in to the craving, I just accept it. What helps me is the idea that I am not a non-smoker. Rather, I am a smoker who doesn’t smoke.”

”Hypnosis, Can It Work?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

I’m thinking about hypnosis for weight loss and improving my self image. Can it work?

Curious, but cautious

Dear Curious:

I believe that for the most part habits can be broken because they are primarily learned, having developed from behaviors people teach themselves. In the case of overeating, one explanation is that the overeater has taught his or her body to want certain foods. With that teaching in place, once the subconscious wants it, it tends to remind the person. In that sense it can be said that the mind controls the body.

Effective hypnosis can reprogram the subconscious to replace a habit such as overeating with another behavior. In other words, generally speaking the subconscious is likely to give up the undesirable behavior and replace it with something else that is suggested to it. This, combined with self-discipline, is likely to make it easier for a person to say “No” to the undesired behavior, thereby diminishing the habit. What many then find is that the craving for the item from which they are trying to wean themselves is now diminished. In fact, they can then go for hours and even days without even thinking about it.

A cautionary note however, is that some people use hypnosis to camouflage problems. In my opinion, this is not therapeutic. For example if someone is trying to resolve an issue that has emotional trauma attached to it (e.g., overeating while studying for an exam to ease test anxiety due to fear of failure conditioned during childhood), then hypnosis can offer a band-aid type of solution as it conditions the mind to change a behavior (e.g., no excessive eating while studying). However, if attention is needed to the emotions (e.g., deeply ingrained fear of exam failure), then psychotherapy could be the better choice with its ability to uncover the emotional component of a problem. I believe that the emotional component can impact how the body behaves. Some people have tried to resolve all their problems with hypnosis, thinking that it was a cure for everything. However, in some instances they let go of one habit (e.g., overeating) and substituted it with another (e.g., smoking). This pattern can persist until the emotional trauma that created a particular habit is resolved.

Of course, always consult one’s trusted physician regarding issues that affect the physical body, and make sure that any hypnotherapist one selects is properly trained and credentialed.

”’Suzanne J. Gelb, Ph.D., J.D. authors this daily column, Dr. Gelb Says, which answers questions about daily living and behavior issues. Dr. Gelb is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Honolulu. She holds a Ph.D. in Psychology and a Ph.D. in Human Services. Dr. Gelb is also a published author of a book on Overcoming Addictions and a book on Relationships.”’

”’This column is intended for entertainment use only and is not intended for the purpose of psychological diagnosis, treatment or personalized advice. For more about the column’s purpose, see”’ “An Online Intro to Dr. Gelb Says”

”’Email your questions to mailto:DrGelbSays@hawaiireporter.com More information on Dr. Gelb’s services and related resources available at”’ https://www.DrGelbSays.com

“Suzanne Gelb Image”

”Smoking, Is Quitting Possible?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

About a month ago I quit smoking. The hardest times are when I am having a cup of coffee or reading the paper which I used to enjoy with a cigarette, and those are my weak moments. How can I get strong at those times?

Trying to Quit

Dear Trying:

Congratulations on such a positive move. Of course, always consult one’s trusted physician regarding issues that affect the physical body. From an emotional standpoint, in my opinion, a large part of trumping an addiction is about remembering who is in charge of one’s behavior and having the confidence that “I can say no.”

A typical downfall from an emotional perspective is that sometimes people who are trying to resolve an addiction tap into their own selfishness and don’t like to feel the discomfort of withdrawal. They consider that to be punishment and rebel against what they need to do (“It felt so good to have that cigarette with my coffee, I miss it and I don’t like that feeling!”). One former smoker expressed a possible solution saying that, “When I socialize with my smoking friends, I long for one of their cigarettes, but I don’t give in to the craving, I just accept it. What helps me is the idea that I am not a non-smoker. Rather, I am a smoker who doesn’t smoke.”

”Hypnosis, Can It Work?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

I’m thinking about hypnosis for weight loss and improving my self image. Can it work?

Curious, but cautious

Dear Curious:

I believe that for the most part habits can be broken because they are primarily learned, having developed from behaviors people teach themselves. In the case of overeating, one explanation is that the overeater has taught his or her body to want certain foods. With that teaching in place, once the subconscious wants it, it tends to remind the person. In that sense it can be said that the mind controls the body.

Effective hypnosis can reprogram the subconscious to replace a habit such as overeating with another behavior. In other words, generally speaking the subconscious is likely to give up the undesirable behavior and replace it with something else that is suggested to it. This, combined with self-discipline, is likely to make it easier for a person to say “No” to the undesired behavior, thereby diminishing the habit. What many then find is that the craving for the item from which they are trying to wean themselves is now diminished. In fact, they can then go for hours and even days without even thinking about it.

A cautionary note however, is that some people use hypnosis to camouflage problems. In my opinion, this is not therapeutic. For example if someone is trying to resolve an issue that has emotional trauma attached to it (e.g., overeating while studying for an exam to ease test anxiety due to fear of failure conditioned during childhood), then hypnosis can offer a band-aid type of solution as it conditions the mind to change a behavior (e.g., no excessive eating while studying). However, if attention is needed to the emotions (e.g., deeply ingrained fear of exam failure), then psychotherapy could be the better choice with its ability to uncover the emotional component of a problem. I believe that the emotional component can impact how the body behaves. Some people have tried to resolve all their problems with hypnosis, thinking that it was a cure for everything. However, in some instances they let go of one habit (e.g., overeating) and substituted it with another (e.g., smoking). This pattern can persist until the emotional trauma that created a particular habit is resolved.

Of course, always consult one’s trusted physician regarding issues that affect the physical body, and make sure that any hypnotherapist one selects is properly trained and credentialed.

”’Suzanne J. Gelb, Ph.D., J.D. authors this daily column, Dr. Gelb Says, which answers questions about daily living and behavior issues. Dr. Gelb is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Honolulu. She holds a Ph.D. in Psychology and a Ph.D. in Human Services. Dr. Gelb is also a published author of a book on Overcoming Addictions and a book on Relationships.”’

”’This column is intended for entertainment use only and is not intended for the purpose of psychological diagnosis, treatment or personalized advice. For more about the column’s purpose, see”’ “An Online Intro to Dr. Gelb Says”

”’Email your questions to mailto:DrGelbSays@hawaiireporter.com More information on Dr. Gelb’s services and related resources available at”’ https://www.DrGelbSays.com

“Suzanne Gelb Image”

”Emotions and Sex, Do They Mix?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

My husband and I enjoy our sex life, but when I’m upset or have lots going on I don’t want to have sex. It’s not that I’m tired, but when I feel emotional sex is not appealing. Is this normal?

Emotional

Dear Emotional:

I teach that sex is a physical experience and if the body is healthy it usually will respond to touch. However if one is upset then this can interfere with physical pleasure. Where appropriate, it may be necessary to evaluate whether disappointment or anger toward one’s mate may be interfering with one’s physical hunger.

Also important to bear in mind is that when one is engrossed in some mental activity that requires concentration, then being touched can interrupt the thought process. Then it would be understandable if sexual pleasure were not a priority. Additionally, some people who experience emotional turmoil become so preoccupied with their strong emotions that they have difficulty letting go of the preoccupation sufficiently to give themselves permission to engage in physical pleasure. This is unfortunate because a positive physical experience could offer some healing and relief.

In my opinion, these two components of the personality (mental, emotional) deserve consideration when there is a diminished desire for the nurturing effect of physical pleasure.

”Spontaneity and Sex, How to Keep the Flow?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

My partner always showers before we are intimate and this interrupts the spontaneity. I believe in hygiene, but she goes overboard. What is the best way to address this?

Spontaneous

Dear Spontaneous:

It is important not to allow hormones to dictate the parameters of intimacy. As one woman put it, “my husband is an on and off type of person. When he is aroused, he thinks he has to satisfy that arousal right away. One time he told me that, ‘if we don’t do it now, I’m gonna lose my erection.’ That made me feel horrible.”

Foreplay can comprise a large percentage of the intimacy aspect of an experience and even if one’s partner may be somewhat obsessive, whether that be about hygiene, attire, or even wanting to create a certain atmosphere, this need not interfere with sharing each others’ body. In fact, specifically regarding the hygiene issue, if either partner has thoughts about whether their body is presentable, this could interfere with the pleasure of intimacy.

In my opinion, couples who just kick back and let the physical experience happen are more likely to enjoy each other’s bodies, providing, to use the hygiene example, that their bodies are clean.

”’Suzanne J. Gelb, Ph.D., J.D. authors this daily column, Dr. Gelb Says, which answers questions about daily living and behavior issues. Dr. Gelb is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Honolulu. She holds a Ph.D. in Psychology and a Ph.D. in Human Services. Dr. Gelb is also a published author of a book on Overcoming Addictions and a book on Relationships.”’

”’This column is intended for entertainment use only and is not intended for the purpose of psychological diagnosis, treatment or personalized advice. For more about the column’s purpose, see”’ “An Online Intro to Dr. Gelb Says”

”’Email your questions to mailto:DrGelbSays@hawaiireporter.com More information on Dr. Gelb’s services and related resources available at”’ https://www.DrGelbSays.com

“Suzanne Gelb Image”

”Emotions and Sex, Do They Mix?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

My husband and I enjoy our sex life, but when I’m upset or have lots going on I don’t want to have sex. It’s not that I’m tired, but when I feel emotional sex is not appealing. Is this normal?

Emotional

Dear Emotional:

I teach that sex is a physical experience and if the body is healthy it usually will respond to touch. However if one is upset then this can interfere with physical pleasure. Where appropriate, it may be necessary to evaluate whether disappointment or anger toward one’s mate may be interfering with one’s physical hunger.

Also important to bear in mind is that when one is engrossed in some mental activity that requires concentration, then being touched can interrupt the thought process. Then it would be understandable if sexual pleasure were not a priority. Additionally, some people who experience emotional turmoil become so preoccupied with their strong emotions that they have difficulty letting go of the preoccupation sufficiently to give themselves permission to engage in physical pleasure. This is unfortunate because a positive physical experience could offer some healing and relief.

In my opinion, these two components of the personality (mental, emotional) deserve consideration when there is a diminished desire for the nurturing effect of physical pleasure.

”Spontaneity and Sex, How to Keep the Flow?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

My partner always showers before we are intimate and this interrupts the spontaneity. I believe in hygiene, but she goes overboard. What is the best way to address this?

Spontaneous

Dear Spontaneous:

It is important not to allow hormones to dictate the parameters of intimacy. As one woman put it, “my husband is an on and off type of person. When he is aroused, he thinks he has to satisfy that arousal right away. One time he told me that, ‘if we don’t do it now, I’m gonna lose my erection.’ That made me feel horrible.”

Foreplay can comprise a large percentage of the intimacy aspect of an experience and even if one’s partner may be somewhat obsessive, whether that be about hygiene, attire, or even wanting to create a certain atmosphere, this need not interfere with sharing each others’ body. In fact, specifically regarding the hygiene issue, if either partner has thoughts about whether their body is presentable, this could interfere with the pleasure of intimacy.

In my opinion, couples who just kick back and let the physical experience happen are more likely to enjoy each other’s bodies, providing, to use the hygiene example, that their bodies are clean.

”’Suzanne J. Gelb, Ph.D., J.D. authors this daily column, Dr. Gelb Says, which answers questions about daily living and behavior issues. Dr. Gelb is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Honolulu. She holds a Ph.D. in Psychology and a Ph.D. in Human Services. Dr. Gelb is also a published author of a book on Overcoming Addictions and a book on Relationships.”’

”’This column is intended for entertainment use only and is not intended for the purpose of psychological diagnosis, treatment or personalized advice. For more about the column’s purpose, see”’ “An Online Intro to Dr. Gelb Says”

”’Email your questions to mailto:DrGelbSays@hawaiireporter.com More information on Dr. Gelb’s services and related resources available at”’ https://www.DrGelbSays.com

“Suzanne Gelb Image”

”Family Meals, Why Must I Participate?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

I’m 14 years old and my mom gets on my case about eating meals with the family, but basically what happens at the table is my parents bickering at each other. There is no real conversation, and then if I say I don’t like some food that is served, then dad yells how ungrateful I am. So now when mom asks how the food is, I just say “ok” and then she accuses me of being lazy about the family conversation. I don’t see why I should show up for these meals? I’d be better off talking to my friends on the phone. Can you blame me?

Indigestion

Dear Indigestion:

While I believe that the notion of blame per se is inappropriate as pertaining to family dynamics, I do think that more children, especially teenagers, need to take responsibility and comply with parental instructions. So many of our youth nowadays are ungrateful, not having been taught or not having learned to appreciate what they have. Granted, a lot of parents have much to learn in terms of optimal parenting skills, but many tend to try hard to take care of their children and give them the things they need. In my opinion anything that a child receives other than what they need must be earned. Yet, too many children tend to be unaware that most of the things they want are a privilege, not a right.

And yes, it is unpleasant for children to be around parents who bicker, but that is the parents’ problem. And yes, it is too bad when parents respond critically to their teenagers, but I still maintain that a 14-year-old is old enough to know how to behave at the table. As one teenager honestly put it when her mother challenged her on her bickering about what was served at meals, “I probably wouldn’t like anything you cook anyway because I’d rather eat out with the friends.” To which her mother responded, “What I see is a very spoiled undisciplined arrogant 14-year-old who is not going to like anything no matter what. Why don’t you buckle down and show some appreciation for what you have and get busy earning those privileges that you are screaming for.”

”Sexual Misdirection, How to Avoid?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

I am a first time parent of a 2-year-old. With the media publicity lately about more permissive sexuality (U.S. Supreme Court changes laws about gay sex due to privacy reasons; New Zealand legalizes prostitution), I’m confused about what to teach my son about sex. He is around the TV quite a bit and I try to shelter his viewing, but I worry that he may be getting dysfunctional messages about sex or is he too young to notice?

Confused

Dear Confused:

Thank goodness for the impact of positive parenting. I do believe that firm, fair, consistent discipline and proper guidance and love can equip children for success, no matter how negative some of the messages from society might be. A solid foundation at home tends to immunize children from potentially disruptive societal influences.

To this end, I would like to share an excerpt about sexuality from Yesterday’s Children, a book authored by Honolulu psychologists Marti Barham, R.N., Ph.D. and Tom Greene, Ph.D. The excerpted paragraph below, titled “Sexual Dysfunction” includes text that points out how acceptance of one’s physical body at a young age provides a solid foundation for learning about self and the world (pp. 194-195).

“Children have innate curiosity about their bodies. Parents may find it natural, amusing, healthy, and acceptable when they see their children exploring fingers, toes, nose, ears, feet, etc. Yet when genitals are explored parents often become concerned or alarmed. A child perceives these subtle or overt reactions. It is easy then for the child to internalize the idea that whereas certain body parts are okay to touch, there is something not okay about “these parts.” The basis for self-love in the child lies in body acceptance. It is the first part of us we identify. Full acceptance of our bodies provides a solid foundation for learning about our aspects or traits and also the world outside of us. If we are denied the opportunity of positive learning about our bodies or learn fear, shame, or guilt associated with our bodies, our foundation may be a bit shaky.”

Of course, there is much to be said on this topic. In this regard the segment in Yesterday’s Children entitled “Healthy Sexual Development” (pp. 188-192) and “Healthy Sexual Functioning (pp. 192-194) can be useful. Also relevant is the question and answer that was posted in this column on April 8, 2003 titled “Explaining About Sex.”

”’Suzanne J. Gelb, Ph.D., J.D. authors this daily column, Dr. Gelb Says, which answers questions about daily living and behavior issues. Dr. Gelb is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Honolulu. She holds a Ph.D. in Psychology and a Ph.D. in Human Services. Dr. Gelb is also a published author of a book on Overcoming Addictions and a book on Relationships.”’

”’This column is intended for entertainment use only and is not intended for the purpose of psychological diagnosis, treatment or personalized advice. For more about the column’s purpose, see”’ “An Online Intro to Dr. Gelb Says”

”’Email your questions to mailto:DrGelbSays@hawaiireporter.com More information on Dr. Gelb’s services and related resources available at”’ https://www.DrGelbSays.com

“Suzanne Gelb Image”

”Family Meals, Why Must I Participate?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

I’m 14 years old and my mom gets on my case about eating meals with the family, but basically what happens at the table is my parents bickering at each other. There is no real conversation, and then if I say I don’t like some food that is served, then dad yells how ungrateful I am. So now when mom asks how the food is, I just say “ok” and then she accuses me of being lazy about the family conversation. I don’t see why I should show up for these meals? I’d be better off talking to my friends on the phone. Can you blame me?

Indigestion

Dear Indigestion:

While I believe that the notion of blame per se is inappropriate as pertaining to family dynamics, I do think that more children, especially teenagers, need to take responsibility and comply with parental instructions. So many of our youth nowadays are ungrateful, not having been taught or not having learned to appreciate what they have. Granted, a lot of parents have much to learn in terms of optimal parenting skills, but many tend to try hard to take care of their children and give them the things they need. In my opinion anything that a child receives other than what they need must be earned. Yet, too many children tend to be unaware that most of the things they want are a privilege, not a right.

And yes, it is unpleasant for children to be around parents who bicker, but that is the parents’ problem. And yes, it is too bad when parents respond critically to their teenagers, but I still maintain that a 14-year-old is old enough to know how to behave at the table. As one teenager honestly put it when her mother challenged her on her bickering about what was served at meals, “I probably wouldn’t like anything you cook anyway because I’d rather eat out with the friends.” To which her mother responded, “What I see is a very spoiled undisciplined arrogant 14-year-old who is not going to like anything no matter what. Why don’t you buckle down and show some appreciation for what you have and get busy earning those privileges that you are screaming for.”

”Sexual Misdirection, How to Avoid?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

I am a first time parent of a 2-year-old. With the media publicity lately about more permissive sexuality (U.S. Supreme Court changes laws about gay sex due to privacy reasons; New Zealand legalizes prostitution), I’m confused about what to teach my son about sex. He is around the TV quite a bit and I try to shelter his viewing, but I worry that he may be getting dysfunctional messages about sex or is he too young to notice?

Confused

Dear Confused:

Thank goodness for the impact of positive parenting. I do believe that firm, fair, consistent discipline and proper guidance and love can equip children for success, no matter how negative some of the messages from society might be. A solid foundation at home tends to immunize children from potentially disruptive societal influences.

To this end, I would like to share an excerpt about sexuality from Yesterday’s Children, a book authored by Honolulu psychologists Marti Barham, R.N., Ph.D. and Tom Greene, Ph.D. The excerpted paragraph below, titled “Sexual Dysfunction” includes text that points out how acceptance of one’s physical body at a young age provides a solid foundation for learning about self and the world (pp. 194-195).

“Children have innate curiosity about their bodies. Parents may find it natural, amusing, healthy, and acceptable when they see their children exploring fingers, toes, nose, ears, feet, etc. Yet when genitals are explored parents often become concerned or alarmed. A child perceives these subtle or overt reactions. It is easy then for the child to internalize the idea that whereas certain body parts are okay to touch, there is something not okay about “these parts.” The basis for self-love in the child lies in body acceptance. It is the first part of us we identify. Full acceptance of our bodies provides a solid foundation for learning about our aspects or traits and also the world outside of us. If we are denied the opportunity of positive learning about our bodies or learn fear, shame, or guilt associated with our bodies, our foundation may be a bit shaky.”

Of course, there is much to be said on this topic. In this regard the segment in Yesterday’s Children entitled “Healthy Sexual Development” (pp. 188-192) and “Healthy Sexual Functioning (pp. 192-194) can be useful. Also relevant is the question and answer that was posted in this column on April 8, 2003 titled “Explaining About Sex.”

”’Suzanne J. Gelb, Ph.D., J.D. authors this daily column, Dr. Gelb Says, which answers questions about daily living and behavior issues. Dr. Gelb is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Honolulu. She holds a Ph.D. in Psychology and a Ph.D. in Human Services. Dr. Gelb is also a published author of a book on Overcoming Addictions and a book on Relationships.”’

”’This column is intended for entertainment use only and is not intended for the purpose of psychological diagnosis, treatment or personalized advice. For more about the column’s purpose, see”’ “An Online Intro to Dr. Gelb Says”

”’Email your questions to mailto:DrGelbSays@hawaiireporter.com More information on Dr. Gelb’s services and related resources available at”’ https://www.DrGelbSays.com

“Suzanne Gelb Image”

”Attraction, Why the Guilt?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

Lately my teenager has been bringing his girlfriends to our home for his mom and me to meet. I love my wife, so why I am attracted to the pretty girls that my son brings home?

Guilty

Dear Guilty:

It is not uncommon for committed men, or any men for that matter, to be physically attracted to a female. What is important is that the committed men be grown up enough not to act on these feelings. This could include not being flirtatious nor extending gestures that would suggest feelings of attraction. Instead, a committed male can transfer the attraction and arousal that he may feel towards a stranger to his mate. He can share the feelings with her, perhaps even finding or exploring some of those qualities that he finds attractive, in his wife. Therefore, in my opinion there is no need to feel guilty about being attracted to someone else. This is a natural phenomenon and as long as the feelings are not inappropriately acted upon, there is no harm done.

”Dreams, What Do They Mean?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

I am engaged to be married and looking forward to it. For sometime now, I’ve had this recurring dream about falling in love with one of my ex-boyfriends all over again. Is the dream is trying to tell me something. What should I do?

Dreamer

Dear Dreamer:

In my opinion, some dreams can be interpreted as a way for the subconscious to try to communicate a particular message. Some practitioners have theorized that when people who are about to make a commitment to another (e.g., marriage) dream about marrying someone else, this could reflect indecisiveness about their feelings towards their fianc

“Suzanne Gelb Image”

”Attraction, Why the Guilt?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

Lately my teenager has been bringing his girlfriends to our home for his mom and me to meet. I love my wife, so why I am attracted to the pretty girls that my son brings home?

Guilty

Dear Guilty:

It is not uncommon for committed men, or any men for that matter, to be physically attracted to a female. What is important is that the committed men be grown up enough not to act on these feelings. This could include not being flirtatious nor extending gestures that would suggest feelings of attraction. Instead, a committed male can transfer the attraction and arousal that he may feel towards a stranger to his mate. He can share the feelings with her, perhaps even finding or exploring some of those qualities that he finds attractive, in his wife. Therefore, in my opinion there is no need to feel guilty about being attracted to someone else. This is a natural phenomenon and as long as the feelings are not inappropriately acted upon, there is no harm done.

”Dreams, What Do They Mean?”

Dear Dr. Gelb:

I am engaged to be married and looking forward to it. For sometime now, I’ve had this recurring dream about falling in love with one of my ex-boyfriends all over again. Is the dream is trying to tell me something. What should I do?

Dreamer

Dear Dreamer:

In my opinion, some dreams can be interpreted as a way for the subconscious to try to communicate a particular message. Some practitioners have theorized that when people who are about to make a commitment to another (e.g., marriage) dream about marrying someone else, this could reflect indecisiveness about their feelings towards their fianc