CHARLEYWORLD: The Government Should Take Fat Kids Away From Their Families (And put the little slackers to work.)

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A respected Boston doctor and a lawyer from Harvard’s School for Public Health suggest in an opinion piece in the Journal of the American Medical Association that the government should take fat kids away from their parents and put them in foster homes.

Well, it’s about time.  Not that I have anything against fat kids. But seeing as how – just to save our economy, you understand –  I’m on the record for putting children to work, a general government roundup of fat kids is a good place to start.


I’m not hot on the idea of putting them in foster homes, though, when perfectly good labor camps could be set up where the country could get the most production out of the tykes and help them lose weight at the same time. As I have pointed out previously, there are many, many American children who do not even have one job. Gone are the days when cute, sooty-faced youngsters contributed to society and made an honest living toiling in coal mines. And there wasn’t a fat kid among them.

Today, parents coddle their children, stuffing them with Big Macs and soft drinks that come in buckets while letting the little shirkers do nothing but play video games all day while being “home schooled.” Home schooled … are you kidding me? There’s no schooling going on. As I have previously reported, I know a couple who have a child who must be nearly one year old and the feeble-minded creature doesn’t even speak English. That’s child abuse is what that is.

Dr. David Ludwig, an obesity specialist at Children’s Hospital Boston and the Harvard public health school lawyer, Lindsey Murtagh, seem to be to my way of thinking. In their piece in the medical association journal, they suggest that parents who allow their children to become obese are committing child abuse. They point out that state welfare workers snatch kids from their homes all the time in cases of “severe undernourishment” so it makes since that the government should be able to shanghai children suffering from “overnourishment” abuse.

Messrs. Ludwig and Murtagh fail to see the larger picture, that overnourishment of children is just one problem involving kids today. Upon further thought, they’d realize that most children brought up by birth parents are fat, they don’t work, they spend most of their time in lounging around tax-payer financed “schools” where they play anti-American games like soccer, watch TV and attend classes where they learn useless stuff like French and trigonometry.

The main issue is whether parents should be in charge of making decisions for their children. The answer is no. What do parents know? Did they graduate from the Harvard School of Parenting? Or the Harvard School of Public Health? Or the Harvard School of Foodology?

Or any of the many great other Harvard schools that turn out individuals, which is to say, lawyers, who are smarter than everybody else? Are parents obesity specialists like Dr. Ludwig? No. They’re just regular old people who managed to give birth to biological children. And they were handed custody of these children without ever having to pass any kind of test, like you have to do to get a driver’s license. It’s just like, here, take the kid, have a nice life.

Clearly any highly trained state or federal government bureaucrat would be better at raising svelte, intelligent and hard-working kids than a mere parent would. It’s time for the government to get serious about protecting children from tyrannical abuse by two unappointed adults who simply grasped the fundamentals of procreation. It wouldn’t do much good to take fat kids away from their parents and simply put them into the custody of other untrained parents who are out to grab some of that sweet state foster care money.

If the government is serious about saving children from parents, it ought to put them in a safe, caring environment, like a camp. The children would be protected from outside interference by high, razor wire-topped fences. They will be kept fit by working in the fields that raise the natural, healthy foods that will keep them thin.

Their little pliable minds will not be adulterated with wacky, arbitrary religious and philosophical ideas of the kind many kids today are simply because they happened to have been born into a random family. They will learn the things the state believes will be most useful to, well, the state. They will be productive members of society, a vast force of hitherto unused labor that will lower unemployment figures to less than 9 percent.

Yes. We must save the children. Let’s start with the government taking fat kids from their families. Of course, someone will have to figure out exactly what the meaning of “fat” is. And that someone likely will be a lawyer from Harvard or a doctor from someplace like the Children’s Hospital Boston, which, thankfully, is part of the Harvard School of Medicine. With Harvard lawyers and state bureaucrats working together, the future of America’s children is bright.



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Charles Memminger is a national award-winning columnist, screenwriter and author. His first novel, "Aloha, Lady Blue" will be published nationally Jan. 22, 2013 by St. Martin's Press. Memminger is a senior writer at Communications Pacific, Hawaii's premier communications, marketing and PR firms. Memminger's commentary represents his personal views and are not affiliated with any organization. To keep up with developments regarding "Aloha, Lady Blue," like him at: E-mail him at


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