Modern English Lesson

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OK, gang! It’s time once again for another Modern English usage lesson!

Remember the rule of thumb; there are no rules dictated by any one or any tradition; YOU can make them up as you go!


After all wasn’t it Mark Twain who is quoted as saying:
“I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.”
… have fun and don’t bother with silly spelling, grammar, usage or mannerism limitations and stupid rules!

So herewith some contemporary examples:

Exchange vowels willy nilly. Why be normal?
*Definately for definitely
*Consistant for consistent

Add quote marks to everything. Around just about every noun and verb, use them. As in this sign spotted the other day:
Please “ring” bell for “service.”
Try it in written communication. It’s fun! Everyone does it!

And perform the conversational equivalent to look clever;
Use air quotes every eight seconds.

Add an apostrophe in front of every s.
After all, the apostrophe now means;
here comes an S!

Completely ignore and avoid the word
The word “is,” is now used commonly for singular ”’and”’ plural!
“There is five cats in you’re yard…”

Use; you are, you’re, your and yore interchangably. In modern usage, they are all the same!

“Your right; you’re car definately looks real good their in yore driveway.”

Use real instead of very. In fact ignore “very” completely. Although “real” is the opposite of false, it is not used thusly;
“I think your real smart!”

Don’t ever consult a thesarus! In fact it is now fashionable to appear as if you never knew they existed!:
Use the same verbs and phrases often within the same paragraph when writing. This is the new modern with-it, hip way. It makes you appear “ghettofabulous”!
Speaking of which, it also is fashionable for all other races to APPEAR African-Americanised:
Toss this into your conversation often:
“… know whudahm say-yun…”

Oh; And don’t forget to assist in the proliferation of huge corporate logos and help make pornography common and acceptable in society:
Put that big white swoosh logo (or other sports shoe or corporate logo) on your car and shirt.
Wear pimpin and pornstar trademark cloths and car stickers.
(Although both of these practices are considered equally sleazy, hey; everyone’s doing it so it must be hip!)

But all seriousness aside, kids, here’s my point;
The dumbing down of societal communication standards is one of the most depressing things we face in America.

It desensitizes you to the subtleties, nuances and irony in intelligent communication. It forces the individual I.Q. to a number lower than the gutter and soon, your sole sensory input stimuli is the media junk food equivalent; watching reality TV, listening only to rap music and then, of course, your comprehension level drops. This dumbing down of personal language skills causes one to misconstrue and misinterpret everything, reducing all limited understanding and responses to any communication with others, down to the few basic coarse emotions, just as the in-duh-vidual’s language and verbal communication level is reduced to swear words and basic thoughts and a few simple words.

You also find you can’t and won’t communicate fully at all, share ideas, express yourself, (not that you would want to), and although your body seems to be alive, mentally you are make, die, dead.

”’Allen StJames is a resident of Honolulu and can be reached at:”’